Seething Anger.....

The anger I feel right now is HUGE. Again, I keep coming to dislike my son's father. When will this ever end? Within an hour, this person cannot answer the phone or text and I felt fear about my child. Then he had the nerve to finally answer and hang up when I told him to bring my son home now! He says he is in good hands. I never will believe that. Ever. He lets anyone into my child's life ….shoot anyone into his other kid's life for that matter. Then proceeds to be an asshole. He thinks he is big and bad.....NOT! That's exactly what I told him.

I cannot stand him. There is a post I saw that says "Your triggers and emotional reactions are reminders of what still needs to be healed" God I am tired of this healing thing! Why can't I just be done with? I keep trying to forgive. I say I forgive, I ask God to help me forgive and I think that it is happening and BOOM, I get triggered. Makes me feel like I am failing at this!

Take this from me. I am so tired of it. I want it to be over. I feel like I am going through hell and I thought that hell was just being in the relationship with him. I thought that once it was over, I would be free. So why do I not feel free? Why do I keep being triggered by his annoying ass? What do you want from me God? I keep being told I am strong but tell me why I never feel like it?

It is more that just "telling yourself" this and that. I had a good night. Out with other believers, feeding the homeless. Not thinking about me or trying to make myself happy. I felt good after. Then of course, BOOM, the enemy pops up to "kill, steal, and destroy" WHY? Sometimes it just makes me wanna give up.

I thought my hell was in the relationship.....I feel like I am continuing to be in hell now. And it doesn't feel fair at all. I don't want to give up God but I feel so close to doing so.

My prayer...…..Jesus......that's all I can muster right now. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Taking it day by day