So I woke up today and was in a good mood. I trotted off to work just fine. But soon once I got into work, slowly but surely my happiness faded. What happened? Why? Noooo….please come back!
Back story: I lost my best friend/mentor/confidant about 2 yrs ago to cancer. Devastated me. Then in Nov 2018, I lost my mother. I haven't fully grieved that. Than in Jan 2019, I removed myself from a on and off again (for 8 yrs) toxic relationship. I had been beat down too far and started to feel like I deserved better.
So now, here it is Dec 2019 and I am still feeling all types of affects. I am going through a healing process and for the most part, I feel ok. But today hit me a bit hard. Maybe because as I laid in bed in the middle of the night, my mind went to the fact that I have never had a successful loving relationship with anyone. They were almost all bad apples. One was in the church and was a master manipulator and others were from the "streets". No where near where I was from.
This last one was a whopper! On and off for 8 yrs. We would be away from each other for a year then back together. I went through him being a drunk and through him being so pissed and disrespectful (which I believe at that time, which was right before we would break up, his moods were from him cheating) I can't prove it, but observing him when we were not together, it was something that might have been a factor. This last time, I had enough. He never treated me like I deserved to be treated. He didn't know me. Couldn't give me any type of surprise gift because he didn't know me. And I poured out more than I should have ever poured out being with him. He is a very selfish person. Does not one thing jus because, always expects something in return. I was reading about narcissist and believe he fit a lot of that definition. However, he had a lot of short comings that he projected onto me like I was to blame. I keep saying he was never loved like he should have been when he was younger but that never gives a person any excuse to go through life like he does.
He has hooked himself up with another female. He doesn't seem to care who he brings around his kids, especially since he doesn't live with them and he is only out to serve himself.
So I have anger and resentment towards him. Many times I wish I didn't see him but have no choice as we share a son. He ruined my soul an moved on like it was nothing. So no, I don't feel he deserves happiness. But I have to digress. I am in the process of healing. And with that healing comes the fact that I need to forgive him and myself. Not FORGET what he did, but forgive. For ME. I have to forgive myself for going against the flags that God placed in front of me, each and every time, because I wanted what I wanted. Because I didn't think I would ever find anybody else or because I was lonely.
This healing stuff isn't easy, especially when I see he's moved on and isn't suffering the way I am suffering. Shouldn't he for making me suffer?
Healing....still. I try to keep myself busy, to keep myself listening to sermons, to do things differently in my life. I am a bit of an introvert, so doing things out my character, makes me uncomfortable. But I need to do it. I can't stay alone too long or I will get down so far it will take a while to get out. And that is no fun whatsoever!
I understand I need to do self- care. I spent so many years caring for others that I lost myself. My esteem got hit bad. But it wasn't all that whole to begin with. And that, as I understand it, stems from how I grew up. My sister and I were never told, "you girls are beautiful", "you girls can accomplish anything you want". "Congratulations on this or that, I am proud of you". No, we got the strict, you better respect me as your parent. My mom and dad divorced when we were young and my dad married my step-mom, who is white. What did she ever know about raising black children? So she was no help either. So where were we supposed to get our uplifting from? We didn't. So when we were old enough, we left. And it seems to have been heartbreak after heartbreak for me and my sister since. So not fair. So not fair.
I am learning and healing. And decided today to start a blog on my healing journey. It will not be easy but I pray that it will come sooner than later.
Taking it day by day
No comments:
Post a Comment