Seething Anger.....

The anger I feel right now is HUGE. Again, I keep coming to dislike my son's father. When will this ever end? Within an hour, this person cannot answer the phone or text and I felt fear about my child. Then he had the nerve to finally answer and hang up when I told him to bring my son home now! He says he is in good hands. I never will believe that. Ever. He lets anyone into my child's life ….shoot anyone into his other kid's life for that matter. Then proceeds to be an asshole. He thinks he is big and bad.....NOT! That's exactly what I told him.

I cannot stand him. There is a post I saw that says "Your triggers and emotional reactions are reminders of what still needs to be healed" God I am tired of this healing thing! Why can't I just be done with? I keep trying to forgive. I say I forgive, I ask God to help me forgive and I think that it is happening and BOOM, I get triggered. Makes me feel like I am failing at this!

Take this from me. I am so tired of it. I want it to be over. I feel like I am going through hell and I thought that hell was just being in the relationship with him. I thought that once it was over, I would be free. So why do I not feel free? Why do I keep being triggered by his annoying ass? What do you want from me God? I keep being told I am strong but tell me why I never feel like it?

It is more that just "telling yourself" this and that. I had a good night. Out with other believers, feeding the homeless. Not thinking about me or trying to make myself happy. I felt good after. Then of course, BOOM, the enemy pops up to "kill, steal, and destroy" WHY? Sometimes it just makes me wanna give up.

I thought my hell was in the relationship.....I feel like I am continuing to be in hell now. And it doesn't feel fair at all. I don't want to give up God but I feel so close to doing so.

My prayer...…..Jesus......that's all I can muster right now. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Taking it day by day

"The truth will set you free"

It is said that freedom doesn't come until you tell the truth. Well I am about to unleash my truth and pray to God that I can finally release it and allow God to release to me what is better for me.

I have unforgiveness, in so many areas, anger, and resentment. Currently anger and unforgiveness is what plagues me. When I think I am fine, I get triggered and realize that I am not. How God, how am I supposed to let this go? We are humans that were born in sin. So our responses to things are so human. God sent his only son to help us. It is said He has been through all we have and came out of it. But He was without sin!




"It's harder to do what easy when you are holding what you weren't meant to carry" - Pastor Michael Todd.  Eph 4:31-32
Release is God's desire but my decision.

Without God, I have a right to feel the way I feel and hold what I am holding.
Is it worth it? My decision: not it is not. I feel like I am hurting myself. Keeping myself hurt.

But I need to feel it in order to get rid of it. I don't like any of my son's father's actions currently. He doesn't care about how my son feels only what he can screw. Sorry for the harshness but that is the truth. I knew that once we were no longer together and once he involved himself with someone else, his child wouldn't be as important. Unfortunately I witnessed this with his other kids AFTER I had our son. AND my son is missing out on having a true father because of it. My son spent about 4 hrs at his dad's place this weekend. He wanted to come home and told his father it was because he wanted to play his game. In actuality, it was because "those little girls were messy and touching my stuff". See because his father never has alone time with him, our son doesn't feel comfortable coming to him with what the truth is. I never put words in my son's mouth. And my son is most comfortable with me allowing me to see his true feelings.

And it bothered me that his dad thought nothing of my son spending just 4 hours in his apartment. That's because he is too focused on other things. He uses kids and video games to occupy my son's mind instead of spending quality one on one time with him. I keep saying my son , but the reality is he is our son. Even if I am not happy with his father at this time.

I am trying so hard. I wand God to just take this anger and resentment away from me. I resent the way he treated me and did nothing for me......the list goes on. He didn't do what a real man would do and how could he, he never had a real man in his life. However, that's not an excuse.

My trying to heal feels like a punishment. But I will continue to listen to this sermon "Stop Holding it // Release (Part 4)", until it all washes over me.

https://youtu.be/g0-BZNhsTqQ

1 Peter 5:7 ⁷Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Hebrews 12:1 ¹Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,

Proverbs 4:25-27 ²⁵Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. ²⁶Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. ²⁷Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

Philippians 4:8-9 ⁸Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. ⁹Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

These scriptures I need to look at every day, every hour, every minute.

Taking it day by day

50/50

So I woke up today and was in a good mood. I trotted off to work just fine. But soon once I got into work, slowly but surely my happiness faded. What happened? Why? Noooo….please come back!

Back story: I lost my best friend/mentor/confidant about 2 yrs ago to cancer. Devastated me. Then in Nov 2018, I lost my mother. I haven't fully grieved that. Than in Jan 2019, I removed myself from a on and off again (for 8 yrs) toxic relationship. I had been beat down too far and started to feel like I deserved better.

So now, here it is Dec 2019 and I am still feeling all types of affects. I am going through a healing process and for the most part, I feel ok. But today hit me a bit hard. Maybe because as I laid in bed in the middle of the night, my mind went to the fact that I have never had a successful loving relationship with anyone. They were almost all bad apples. One was in the church and was a master manipulator and others were from the "streets". No where near where I was from.

This last one was a whopper! On and off for 8 yrs. We would be away from each other for a year then back together. I went through him being a drunk and through him being so pissed and disrespectful (which I believe at that time, which was right before we would break up, his moods were from him cheating) I can't prove it, but observing him when we were not together, it was something that might have been a factor. This last time, I had enough. He never treated me like I deserved to be treated. He didn't know me. Couldn't give me any type of surprise gift because he didn't know me. And I poured out more than I should have ever poured out being with him. He is a very selfish person. Does not one thing jus because, always expects something in return. I was reading about narcissist and believe he fit a lot of that definition. However, he had a lot of short comings that he projected onto me like I was to blame. I keep saying he was never loved like he should have been when he was younger but that never gives a person any excuse to go through life like he does.

He has hooked himself up with another female. He doesn't seem to care who he brings around his kids, especially since he doesn't live with them and he is only out to serve himself.

So I have anger and resentment towards him. Many times I wish I didn't see him but have no choice as we share a son. He ruined my soul an moved on like it was nothing. So no, I don't feel he deserves happiness.  But I have to digress. I am in the process of healing. And with that healing comes the fact that I need to forgive him and myself. Not FORGET what he did, but forgive. For ME. I have to forgive myself for going against the flags that God placed in front of me, each and every time, because I wanted what I wanted. Because I didn't think I would ever find anybody else or because I was lonely.

This healing stuff isn't easy, especially when I see he's moved on and isn't suffering the way I am suffering. Shouldn't he for making me suffer?

Healing....still. I try to keep myself busy, to keep myself listening to sermons, to do things differently in my life. I am a bit of an introvert, so doing things out my character, makes me uncomfortable. But I need to do it. I can't stay alone too long or I will get down so far it will take a while to get out. And that is no fun whatsoever!

I understand I need to do self- care. I spent so many years caring for others that I lost myself. My esteem got hit bad. But it wasn't all that whole to begin with. And that, as I understand it, stems from how I grew up. My sister and I were never told, "you girls are beautiful", "you girls can accomplish anything you want". "Congratulations on this or that, I am proud of you". No, we got the strict, you better respect me as your parent. My mom and dad divorced when we were young and my dad married my step-mom, who is white. What did she ever know about raising black children? So she was no help either.  So where were we supposed to get our uplifting from? We didn't. So when we were old enough, we left. And it seems to have been heartbreak after heartbreak for me and my sister since. So not fair. So not fair.

I am learning and healing. And decided today to start a blog on my healing journey. It will not be easy but I pray that it will come sooner than later.

Taking it day by day